Caveat: Gore and Gaalies ahead; Read if you are comfortable/

It had not been visited for five years. Our old ancestral haveli. And the top floor, the store room, not in 1000 years.

I had to dodge the odd wooden bar sticking out, all covered in cobweb. I reached one end of the floor where there were small windows which let little light into the attic. There, towards one corner, was a hole in the floor, six feet by six feet. And it opened up into an abyss so deep, into another world or something like that. It had a strange stinking look to it. My heart was pounding and the veins on my forehead were popping out. 'Dhum Dhum Dhum...' I could hear some beat and it kept getting louder. I was thinking "Shit! it is actually happening. It’s real now. It is happening. It’s now. Madarchod ... Madarchod!”

Then I pulled out a scalpel.

Placed it below my chin. Then gently inserted it 6 inches into my esophagus and started carving the initials of my name. I heard myself, “Madarchod Madarchod”. I didn’t feel any ‘pain’; for a while. Then blood started gushing out and not just sliding down my chest, but a jet. Like a freaking hose pipe being turned open full. It was red. For a second, I felt like I was standing on the edge of river and it was flowing from under my chin, wildly into this huge void. Except that it was red.

That’s when I knew.

I was losing consciousness. Not to gain it back ever again. They call it Death. This was the last moment I could feel. Breathing was difficult; there seemed to be some steel object in my windpipe; and it kept moving due to the force of the flowing river (They call it Life). Madarchod Madarchod. I felt me being pulled out of my body. Slowly and in pieces (or were they bites?). I felt my “…ness” floating around my body.

I am there; I am here.

I feel; I don’t.

I see; I see.

I don’t have limbs any more. All I stood for all these years has been reduced to this. That gushing sound and cold steel against my lower jaw. It’s me. It’s the closest I can be to being me. I know the cost of that skin. I hear myself clearly now. Madar...